Ratchet File #6 - Too Much PDA

Best video I've ever watched thus far.

I'm talking about PDA (Public Displays of Affection), only cool if you're holding hands, resting your head on your lover's shoulder, or giving each other a quick peck on the lips or cheek.  Nobody wants to see you exchanging one another's saliva in front of everybody or propping your legs on those of your lover (if you're a girl, that is)!  There's a flea bag motel around the corner if you wanna make out!!!

One of my biggest gripes about PDA is if I'm on a bus or train with my man and we spot another couple (usually one who hasn't graduated high school yet) eating at each other's tongues for dessert.  Yeah I know it's that whole "first love" thing or whatever, their hormones are raging, and they are so much into each other that they want to show everybody that they're really in love...only to break up two weeks later (and yes, I was guilty of that back in the day).

Another humorous moment was when I caught some goth couple groping each other and swapping spit in front of a Walmart in Long Beach.  I told them, "Get a hotel room!"  The girl's response:  "You buyin'?"  Note:  Do not try this with all couples.  This could lead to being in ICU at a hospital.

But seriously, don't make out in front of everybody whether you're on the bus, train, or wherever else you little horny asses choose to suck face and fondle each other explicitly.  This is not El Camino College* (one of the worst places to study in Los Angeles County).

*A little information about ECC:  This school is known for having low-key spots for couples to make out and fuck each other loco.  Going by memory, the most common locations I can think of are:

The Girls' bathroom at the Student Activities Center
Piano Room 112 (no pun intended) in the Music Building
Bathrooms at the Boys' Basketball Gym (Lysol required at all times in every location)

Now can I get a witness!  You got a tale of some nasty ass PDA?  Then deposit your story in the Safety Comments Box.

Ratchet File #5 - Worn Out, Turned Over Uggs (or Uggs in General)

Like many people of this world, I have pet peeves.  One of them happens to be Uggs.  Be they name-brand or generic, I hate Uggs.  I hate them even more if they look like this...



If someone catches you wearing a pair of Uggs (brand or otherwise) that look like they're screaming "Lawd have mercy on my sole," go find yourself the nearest landfill and bury them (and yourself too, while you're at it).

Yes, for the billionth time it has been said, but they're called UGGs for a reason.  It is because they are Ugg...ly.  Seriously, what type of ratchet ass female walks around...never mind.  I think I know the answer.  Stupid broads who are stans of pop culture and all that other useless bullshit.  But that's not the point.

(You dropped an F-bomb on me)

I'm curious about one thing:  Why the fuck are these dumb ass skeezers wearing Uggs in some fucked-up weather?!  It can be 100 fucking degrees out here for fuck's sake (this is fucking Los Angeles for fucking crying out loud) and y'all got some fucking nerve to be wearing some fucking Uggs out in the fucking heat?!  That leads me to that classic, 2-word statement:  Bitch please!

Or worse, it could be raining like hell and a girl could wear a pair of Uggs, only for them to later on look like a soggy version of that new burger from Jack In The Box--a Hot Mess (Thank goodness it doesn't snow in Los Angeles or else you'd really be shit outta luck).  Just so you know, Uggs cannot and will not protect you from the elements of nature.  You get a little water or mud on them, then...



Yeah...game over.  Uggs are dead.

Also, throw away your Uggs before you tear up your feet.  Let me repeat that again...before you tear up your feet.  Wearing Uggs for prolonged periods may lead to corns, bunions, hammer toes, ingrown toenails, fungus, tendinitis...you disgusted now?  They have no arch support and will splay (meaning your Uggs will look beat up and turned over like your feet are walking sideways on the bunion) if worn for a long time.  So unless you want your precious little footsies to look like your toenails eat cement for breakfast, hang it up.  Your feet will be eternally grateful.

You can start slinging your comments.  What I will not accept is that same old, tired-ass argument that "u jst hate uggs coz u cant afford them," so don't come back to this blog and start crying about a nasty pound of mold growing on your feet because you took your Uggs through Hell and back.

Ratchet File #4 - The Everest College Guy

Think of this blog as sort of a companion to trashy daytime TV.  Because, that's exactly what the hell it is.

I made a post about ratchet talk shows a while back.  And what would a talk show be without this dude?

The Everest College Guy - Pissing off North America, one commercial at a time

I could be lost in watching either Maury, Jerry, Steve, or Trisha...all of a sudden I get dragged back down to earth by the sound of this muthafucka.

You've all heard the commercial:  "You're sittin' on the couch, you're watchin' TV, and your life is passing you by.  You keep procrastinatin' over and over.  'Well maybe I'll go next year, I'll go next semester...' NO, DO IT RIGHT NOW!!!"  (Watch commercial for emphasis)



First of all, Tunde (yes, I know your name, fool), I don't need you to tell me what the fuck to do with my life.  You got some audacity to pop up on my TV and jump down my throat about my choices and you're standing in front of some busted apartment complex in a damn parking lot at 2am.  Bitch please!!!  And look at your attire.  You're getting on my case about some bullshit school and you got on a dingy white T-shirt and some tired ass snapback cocked over to the right.  You're not cute.  And don't you roll your eyes and turn your back at me when I'm talking to you, you ratchet son of a bitch!  And if you ever interrupt my daytime programs when I'm trying to find out if Damiante is the father of LaTranisha's baby, then I'm going to personally find you and drop-kick you in the mouth!

The above paragraph would be an exaggerated reaction to this TV ad during the first commercial break of Maury, Jerry Springer, Steve Wilkos, Judge Mathis...daytime TV in general.  The more standard reaction would be for a person to yell at Tunde while they're fumbling about for the remote to either mute the TV or change the channel.  It's obvious that his voice is more shrill than Beyonce's singing (I'm surprised I'm not deaf yet).

And one question to the Everest College guy:  Who learnt you how to spoke?  (Go look at that blog if you haven't yet)  "They out to help you..."  No, they out to throw an English book in your face if you don't stop dropping your verbs.  (N-word ahead, watch out)  Nobody's going to take you seriously if you talk like some ratchet nigga off Crenshaw and Slauson (see picture below).

My stomping grounds  ^_^

For some reason they always show this commercial on the CW and Fox & CBS affiliates.  Why is that?  Are ABC and NBC not ratchet enough?  Let me know if the Everest guy pisses you off as much as he does me.  The comment box is your friend.

Ratchet File #3 - Daytime TV (AKA Trashy Talk Shows)

There was a time in my young life that I used to hate talk shows.  I found them rather boring, and instead I would go outside with my cousin and our broken telephone cord that we'd use as a makeshift jump rope.  Nostalgia trip aside, I've long since developed an interest in talk shows...to a certain extent.  I blame that interest on another cousin in my family (LOL).  We were just thirteen-yr-olds when we started watching trash like Jerry Springer, Maury, and Jenny Jones (who hasn't been seen or heard this past decade).  Now, it's pretty much predictable (well, not all shows), and some new faces have been thrown in the mix.

First up:  Maury Povich

Guy's been around for a couple of decades.  His claim to fame actually started from a show he hosted called "A Current Affair," a news program that dealt with current events (pun intended?) back in the 80's.  Oh, and he is also married to fellow journalist Connie Chung, formerly of CBS News.  So how could a guy like Maury, given his extensive journalistic background, resort to hosting a trashy TV show?  Like that classic Tootsie Pop commercial, the world may never know.


A paternity episode, save for the filler

Maury's biggest cash cow on his show are the ever-infamous paternity episodes.  The formula for these segments are pretty transparent; even a two-yr-old can figure out this shit.  Girl tests one guy or a number of others for paternity of her baby; guy calls girl all types of bitches, hoes, and ratchets, and denies paternity of said baby (both the girls and the guys sound like they're reading cue cards every time they bad-mouth each other); Maury brings out guy and audience boos him; girl and guy have a screaming match; Maury pulls out the results.  This could end in either two ways:

If the guy is proven not to be the father of the girl's baby, she runs off stage crying and he starts dancing like he was on Soul Train or whatever.  But...

If the guy is proven to be the father, then either the guy runs off stage or the girl will get up in his face and start cussing him out about paying child support.

That's pretty much Maury in a nutshell.

But he's not only infamous for the paternity shows.  The lie detector episodes are just as hilarious as the paternity ones (which I've since denounced because they were predictable, at best).  For instance, girl thinks guy is cheating because she found some stains on his boxers; guy denies everything and claims it was milk or powdered sugar (since when does semen taste like powdered sugar or milk?); audience boos guy; Maury shows girl a video of guy kissing "the sexy decoy"; Maury pulls out the results; guy is busted for lying by the polygraph; girl cusses out guy; Maury tells them to meet with his counselor.  Yep, that's good ol' Maury for ya.

But amidst all this trashiness, Maury has sort of a protegee in the form of Trisha Goddard, a soul sister from across the pond.  She already made a name for herself in her native England and has her own talk show here in the States, quite reminiscent of Maury (think of her show as more or less a spin-off).  No need to elaborate on this one.

Then there's ol' Jerry Springer.  The basis of the show really needs no explanation; most of his guests are comprised of rednecks/trailer trash, gays/transsexuals, or even redneck/trailer trash gays and/or trannies.  Girl cheats on guy, or guy cheats on girl; other guests comes out and fights/pulls hair; mom/dad defends whichever guest; girl leaves guy or guy leaves girl.  Then the audience chimes in and either makes snaps on the guests or wants to fight one of them, or some random girls flash their tits for some beads (this ain't fucking Mardi Gras, damn it!).

Another interesting bit about Jerry is that one of his former bald-headed security guards on the show hosted a few episodes, and eventually got his own talk show.  That guy would be our good friend, Steve Wilkos.  While he's known for the guy whose head everybody loved to rub on the Jerry Springer show, he's also the guy known for throwing chairs around and jumping down the throats of woman-beaters, rapists, and child molesters.  Some people may find him to be too extreme, but so what?  We need more guys like him to help eradicate the pedophiles and perverts of this country.  Now I wouldn't call him trashy, but there's that whole "guilt by association" thing...

And lastly, we have another bloke who has graced American airwaves since 2011.  That "bloke" I'm referring to is Jeremy Kyle, who is like an amalgamation of Jerry, Maury, and Steve with an English accent.  Need I say more?

Now folks, I need to know what you think of these talk shows.  You already know what to do; the comment box is waiting.

Ratchet File #2 - The Dreaded Half-Assed Mohawk

Welcome to another installment of The Ratchet Files. Today, I will be discussing...



Why the fuck are these young-minded girls getting these half-assed mohawks?!  Shit ain't cute.

Not to mention, they go and get a weave added to said half-assed mohawk.

It wasn't as bad when one person rocked this style, but soon as the rest of these ratchetlings jump on the bandwagon...every 'hood became another amusement park:  Ratchet Land.  You got girls walking around the neighborhood looking like they intentionally wanted to get zeeked.

My thing is, if girls are going to cut their hair, they should at least get it to where it can actually be styled or just not cut it at all.  I'm sorry, but if you're going to walk around the block or go anywhere looking like a half-Sinead O'Connor with a tan, then please stay in the house.

That is all.

Let the comments commence!

Ratchet File #1 - Hygiene, Etiquette, and Public Transportation

I'd just like to say...

This...



...Is...not...ACCEPTABLE!!!

By this, I mean the above picture.

All this happened when I was traveling through a small town just east of Los Angeles.  To all you Angelenos out there, I'm referring to the sleepy city of Norwalk (well, not so sleepy).  I got on the bus to further explore any uncharted territory when I caught notice of every passenger holding their noses.  I asked myself why everybody was doing such a thing, only to find my answer in the form of some crusty ass bum who doesn't know the definition of a bath.  Not even Calgon could take me away as she was smelling foul beyond foul.  By the time we got to the station, everyone cleared off the bus as though there was a mass murderer with a shotgun on the bus.  Sadly, my Norwalk trip was a bust.

The point I'd like to emphasize is that one should not board any form of public transportation without making sure their hygiene is in check.  It doesn't make sense that somebody gets on the bus and they don't care that every passenger knows they smell like the 10 Fwy underpass after dark (you know a person smells when you have to use a location to describe the intensity of the stench).  I've run into some folks who are down on their luck and they go out of their way to stay clean and proper.

Also, don't get on the bus if you are incoherent, or just plain stupid drunk.  Otherwise you might end up like this:

This video stemmed from an incident in the year 2012 where I caught the bus from Union Station in downtown Los Angeles back to my place.  Once again for my fellow Angelenos, you know where I'm referring to.  For all those not familiar with Los Angeles, this is LACMTA Bus Line 40, a route that will take you from Union Station to a shopping mall in the city of Redondo Beach called the South Bay Galleria, and vice-versa.  The female in the front of the bus was abhorrently inebriated.  Drunk beyond drunk.  Watch the video to see what transpired.  Seriously, if you're going to board the bus, please sober up first.  You will make your and everyone else's ride more pleasant.

I'd also like to emphasize this:  TURN YOUR FUCKING MUSIC DOWN WHEN YOU'RE ON THE FUCKING BUS!!!  Nothing worse than when a person in deep thought only for their meditations to be interrupted by the sounds of Lil' Wayne or some other nameless bubblegum pop rapper.  Headphones and earbuds were invented for a reason.  Stop that shit.  Or risk getting your cell phone Hulk-smashed.

You know what to do in the comments box.